Lord Who?
by Tori Z. Daniels
Summary: Well, it's back. Yes, Dani L Servo's er....I mean Faith and Nothing's...ano...Whatever-I-was-going-by-when-I-first-posted-it's Lord Who? in it's original entirety for all you who have missed reading it and for all you who haven't yet. Done for a challeng


Lord Who?  
  
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Requirements:  
  
It has to be funny  
  
Someone has to say, "God, those sheep are so annoying!"  
  
Something really bad has to happen to the Dursleys  
  
It has to have a magic ring  
  
Someone has to hold a tortilla chip up to a candle and say, "This will burst into flames"  
  
It has to include Darth Vader, Luke, Yoda, C3PO, R2D2, Leia, Han Solo, or Chewbacca  
  
Britney Spears has to be run over by a crazy rhinoceros  
  
It has to have a little bit of plot  
  
I have to make out with Fred  
  
Draco must say he loves Hermione  
  
Someone has to say "Tu est une belle frite" which means "You are a beautiful French fry" in French  
  
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Thirty days hath September.. wrong opening! Damn it! Thirty days have passed since Lord Voldie has been defeated by Harry Potter. The magical community thought they were safe, but they didn't know how wrong they were....  
  
It was a bright, warm, cloudless day.... oh wait... that was in Alaska! At Hogwarts, it was raining cats and dogs.... literally. All students were forced to stay inside to avoid being hit by tabby cats and large greyhounds.  
  
"Stupid cats and dogs." Harry said as he stared out the window. A black cat smacked against the window. Harry sighed and walked down the stairs to the common room.  
  
Nothing seemed out of order. Seamus and Dean were making out, Ron and Hermoine were arguing over something, Ginny was flirting with Colin, and Draco was sitting by the fire. Wait a minute............. Ginny flirting with Colin?! But she's Harry's girlfriend!  
  
"Ginny!" Harry shouted.  
  
"Harry! It's not what you think!" Ginny said jumping back from Colin.  
  
Harry's eyes welled up with tears. "I thought you loved me!"  
  
"Harry, I do!"  
  
Harry burst into tears and ran from the common room. There was only one problem, he forgot to open the door and he ran straight into the door and knocked himself out.  
  
Ginny shrugged, "Oh, well. Where were we?" Ginny turned back to Colin.  
  
"You were speaking in french." Colin answered pulling Ginny closer to him.  
  
"Oh yes... Tu est une belle frite." Ginny said in a french accent. Luckily for her, Colin didn't speak a word of french so he would never know she had just called him a beautiful french fry.  
  
Just then an owl flew in through an open window(why it was open, we'll never know...). It flew over to the unconcious Harry. The owl clawed at Harry's face untill he woke up. Harry opened the letter and read what was inside.  
  
--DeAr HaRrY pOtTeR,  
  
I aM hOlDiNg ThE DuRsLeY's CaPtIvE. iF yOu Do NoT pAy 3 MiLlIoN gAlLeOnS bY 3aM tOmOrRoW mOrNiNg, ThEy WiLl Be FoRcEd To LiStEn To A nEvEr-EnDiNg DuEt By NsYnC aNd BrItNeY sPeArS.  
  
--SiGnEd LoRd WhO  
  
"AHHHH! HELP HELP HELP HELP!" Harry yelled running back into the common room.  
  
Ron and Hermoine stopped arguing.  
  
"Harry what's wrong?" Hermoine asked.  
  
"THE DURSLEY'S! THEY'RE INTROUBLE!" Harry shouted.  
  
"And?" Ron asked.  
  
"I don't know..." Harry said thinking about why he got all wound up into the first place. "Who's Lord Who?"  
  
Harry asked.  
  
"Who?" Hermoine asked.  
  
"Yeah." Harry replied.  
  
"Yeah what?" Hermoine asked.  
  
"Lord Who." Harry said.  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"Who's Lord Who?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Yeah what?"  
  
"Lord Who."  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"Who's Lord Who?"  
  
"Didn't we already have this discussion?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
"So, who's Lord Who?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!" Ron yelled.  
  
"What were we talking about again?" Hermoine asked.  
  
"Lord Who." Harry said.  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"Don't even start that again." Ron said.  
  
Professor Dumbledore entered the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"God, those sheep are so annoying!" he said.  
  
"What sheep, Professor?" Hermoine asked.  
  
"The ones in the library eating all the books."  
  
"MY BOOKS!" Hermoine ran out of the common room closely followed by Draco.  
  
When she reached the library, the sheep were gone, and all she found were shreads of what used to be Hogwarts: A  
  
History. She collapsed and cried. Draco came up behind her.  
  
"Hermoine..." Draco said.  
  
"Go away Malfoy!" Hermoine sobbed.  
  
"I just want to tell you something." Draco said.  
  
"What do you want?!" Hermoine said looking up at Draco with her tear stained face.  
  
"Hermoine, I..." But Draco was cut off by the sudden entrance of four people.  
  
"STORM TROOPERS!" the four screamed.  
  
"Um.. Excuse me, but who are you?" Draco asked.  
  
One of the people pulled out a gun and pointed it at Draco. Draco was frozen with fear.  
  
"Are you with Darth Vader?" The person asked.  
  
"N-n-no s-s-s-sir..." Draco stuttered.  
  
"Well. That's good to know. I'm Han Solo."  
  
"Hey! Aren't you guys from the Star Wars movies?" Hermoine asked when she heard the name Han Solo.  
  
"Movies?" Han asked.  
  
"Yeah! Your Han Solo, he's Luke Skywalker, she's Princess Leia, and that's Chewbacca!" Hermoine said.  
  
"Uh huh...." Leia said.  
  
"Beep beep beep." a little robot said as it wheeled in.  
  
"R2D2! My favorite character!" Hermoine squealed.  
  
"Hermoine... are you ok?" Draco asked as he watched Hermoine hug the little robot.  
  
"I'm perfectly fine! Draco! Do you have a camera?! I want to remember this moment forever!" Hermoine said.  
  
"No."  
  
"Damn. Oh well. Maybe they can help us defeat Lord Who."  
  
"Who?" the star wars characters asked.  
  
"That's right." Hermoine said.  
  
"What's right?" Luke asked.  
  
"Lord Who."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"That's right."  
  
"What's right?"  
  
"Lord Who."  
  
"Don't start that again!" Draco said.  
  
"Will you help us defeat Lord Who?" Hermoine asked the Star wars people.  
  
"His he anything like Darth Vader?" Han asked.  
  
"I don't know, I've never met the guy!" Hermoine replied.  
  
"Well...." Han said.  
  
"Please?" Hermoine and Draco asked.  
  
"Sure." Leia said.  
  
The group left the library and went back up to the Gryffindor common room.  
  
They met a girl standing out side the portrait of the fat lady trying all these passwords to get into Gryffindor tower.  
  
"Uh..... Lion?" the girl asked the portrait. It didn't budge.  
  
"Why are you trying to break into Gryffindor tower?" Hermoine asked.  
  
"No reason in particular...." she said.  
  
"Well excuse us then. Password." Hermoine said.  
  
The portrait swung open. The group climbed in.  
  
"Who are they?" Harry asked.  
  
"This is Han Solo, Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker, Chewbacca, R2D2, and...." Hermoine paused at the girl who followed them in.  
  
"DragonMaiden." the girl said.  
  
"They're all here to help us defeat Lord Who." Hermoine said.  
  
"Except me. Does anyone know where Fred is?" DragonMaiden asked looking around the common room.  
  
Just then, Fred and George came walking in.  
  
"Hey Fred! Someone's looking for you!" Harry yelled to him.  
  
DragonMaiden ran over to where Fred was standing and held him in a death grip.  
  
"FRED! I love you so much!" she said.  
  
"Um.. Right.. Who are you?" Fred asked.  
  
"DragonMaiden." she replied before kissing Fred. Not to Dragon's surprise, Fred kissed back. The people in the common room stared for a moment but returned to what they were doing.  
  
"So, you five are here to help defeat Lord Who?" Harry asked the Star Wars characters.  
  
"ATTACK! ATTACK! There's been and attack!" a voice for the corridor yelled.  
  
The group of Wrong-Righters ran out to the corridor and saw a person lying dead on the floor. They all gasped.  
  
"Not over there! Over here!" the person called. The group ran further down the corridor and saw "I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST VALENTINE'S DAY" written in blood. Yet again, they gasped.  
  
"Over here!" the person called again. The group ran to the person and what they saw terrified them. Some one had dropped a bowl of strawberry jello on the floor.  
  
"NOOOOOOOoooooooo!! Not the jello!" Ron shouted.  
  
"WHY THE JELLO?! WHY?!" Hermoine screamed.  
  
"Lord Who has gone to far. We have got to stop him." Harry said.  
  
The group all pulled out weapons. Harry had a sword, Han Solo had a gun, Princess Leia had pepper spray, Ron pulled out his wand, Luke pulled out a light saber, R2D2 armed its' laser, Draco pulled out a fruit roll up, Hermoine put a ring on her finger, and Chewbacca pulled out a teddy bear. The group ran down to the dungeons to look for Lord Who.  
  
"WAIT!" a voice shouted from behind them.  
  
They skidded to a stop and looked behind them. There stood a girl no older than 14 with black hair and green eyes.  
  
"That is very dangerous! Running with swords, light sabers, pepper spray, a gun, and a wand! You could seriously hurt some one!" the girl said. All the weapons she just mentioned disappeared. "Let's see.... Ron you can have a channel changer.... Harry, a banana for you.... Han, here's a feather duster..... You, Luke, can have this spork.... and Leia, you get my ofrenda from my spanish class. Now, go defeat Lord Who!" with a pop, the girl disappeared.  
  
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"MUHAHAHAHAHA! My plan is working! I knew that jello would enrage them! And now, they're walking straight into my trap." an evil voice said.  
  
"And now, I will be able to destroy the Jedi and his friends." a deep voice said with heavy breaths.  
  
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"Look a secret passage!" Hermoine said pointing to an opening in one of the dungeon walls.  
  
"How can it be secret if you found it so easily?" Han Solo asked.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe the last person was careless and didn't close it." Harry replied.  
  
"Or maybe it's just a door that leads into a class room." Leia said looking in through the opening.  
  
"That to..." Hermoine said slightly embarrassed.  
  
"I don't think we're going to find anything down here!" Luke said leaning against the wall. As soon as he touched the wall, it disappeared and showed a really secret passage.  
  
"Way to go Luke!" every one shouted. They all ran through before Luke had a chance to get up. They trampled him to death.  
  
"Oh no! We killed Luke!" Hermoine shouted.  
  
"Quick grab the spork and let's get moving!" Harry said.  
  
Leia grabbed the spork, and the group ran down the passage screaming a battle cry that can best be described as: "AY-YI-OH-FO-AY-EE-BI-DAMA-DOH!"  
  
The group stopped at a fork in the passage way and looked both ways. They heard a small beeping.  
  
"What is it R2D2?" Han asked.  
  
"It's not him! It's my watch!" Ron looked at his watch. "Hey look it's 3AM."  
  
"She says baby! It's three am I must be lonely! Oh heaven she says baby! I can't help but be scared of it all some times!" the group sang at the top of their lungs. They stopped abruptly and looked at each other.  
  
"Wait something was supposed to happen at 3AM..." Harry said.  
  
The group was silent for a moment trying to think of what was supposed to happen.  
  
"Weren't the Dursleys supposed to listen to a never ending duet by NSYNC and Britney Spears?" Ron asked.  
  
"Oh yeah that's right." Harry said.  
  
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-At the Dursleys-  
  
Britney and NSYNC are singing horribly(you know, how they usually sound) and the Dursleys are tied to chairs. The horrible pop stars go into the chorus for the third time in one minute and the Dursleys' heads suddenly explode leaving the pop stars covered in brains.  
  
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-back in the secret passage-  
  
"Left or right?" Luke asked.  
  
"Luke! We thought you were dead!" Leia shouted.  
  
"Oh yeah! I am!" Luke said before dropping to the ground. The group stared at him for a moment before returning to their problem. To the left, there was a long dark, creepy, spider infested passage way; to the right was a bright cheery hallway with fluffy white bunnys, blue birds singing and wild flowers blooming.  
  
"Left or right?" Han Solo asked. The group looked at each other and nodded. they turned to the left. R2D2 beeped at them.  
  
"What is it R2D2?" Hermoine asked.  
  
"Beep, beep, beep!" the robot beeped.  
  
"R2D2's afraid of this passage way. He wants to go right." Leia said. R2D2 rolled down the right passage way. No sooner had he gone two feet into it, the blue birds and the bunny rabbits turn evil and attack the poor robot. After the bunnies and the birds cleared, all that waas left of R2D2 was his little robot skeleton. The rest of the groups' eyes widened at what they had just saw. The group turned and bolted down the left corridor. Little did they know, those birds and bunnies only ate metal and they would have been safer going down the right passage instead of the left. Oh well!  
  
They ran and ran and ran and, yes, ran some more. They finally reached a corridor filled with doors.  
  
"Whoa! Look at all the pretty doors!" Ron yelled. The group split up and checked all the doors. Harry opened a door and saw a huge eyeball staring back at him. He screamed and slammed the door. Hermoine opened another door and saw a funny little green man with big ears. Yes, it was Yoda.  
  
"This will burst into flames, YEEES!" Yoda said as he held a tortilla chip up to the flame of a candle. Hermoine rolled her eyes and closed the door.  
  
Ron opened a door and saw a large four lane highway. He stood there watching all the cars go by. Han opened a door and saw a huge frieght train heading straigh towards him! He slammed the door and jumped out of the way. But the train didn't burst through, so every body laughed at him. Chewie opened a door and was sucked in by some unknown force. After Chewie was sucked in, the door closed. Leia opened the second to last door and was eaten by a large three headed dog.  
  
Draco opened the final door. There was a dark and gloomy room with two shadowy figures in it. The first of the two shadowy figures turned around and turned out to be.....  
  
"DARTH VADER!" Han Solo shouted before he was shot by Darth Vader. Ron, Harry, Hermoine, and Draco looked at each other. They gulped. Ron was the first to react. He held up his channel changer and hit a large red button. Darth Vader started twiching madly then exploded. AND THE PEOPLE CHEERED! And lived happily ever after!  
  
JUST KIDDING!  
  
The second shadowy figure turned around. They couldn't see the persons face but they assumed they knew who it was. The group of Evil-do-er- defeaters gasped. IT WAS LORD WHO! -don don DON!-  
  
"It's Lord Who! WHAT WILL WE DO?!" Ron screamed.  
  
"Yes! I am Lord Who! Not only am I Lord Who, I am..." Lord Who pulled down the hood to reveal his.. I mean her face! IT WAS BRITNEY SPEARS! The Destroyers-of-all-that-is-not-right screamed in terror.  
  
Harry did the first thing he could think of. He threw the banana at Britney. It hit her in the forehead but she kept on smirking(rather scary sight if you think about it..) Draco thre his half eaten(what? He got hungry!) fruit rool up at her, but it missed. Ron pressed the red button on his remote but the batteries had just ran out.  
  
"MUHAHAH! None of you can stop me now! I will succeed where Lord Voldermort(yes, Britney was a dead eater) failed! Nothing can stop we now except for a crazy rhinoceros!" Britney said in a diabloical voice. Britney pulled out a wand and prepared to kill them all. Hermoine began hoping for something to come and save them. All of a sudden, the ring on Hermoine's finger glowed! It was a magic ring! The light from the ring opened a portat in the wall and a psycho rhinoceros and running through. Britney screamed. The rino trampled Britney in to a pulp. All that was left of her was her cheap inplants, but then those were smash by the rino too.  
  
"HERMOINE! You saved us!" Harry shouted.  
  
"I didn't know you could do that!" Ron said amazed.  
  
Hermoine just smiled. The group of heros made their way back up to the Hogwarts castle.  
  
"Draco?" Hermoine asked slowing down a little to put some distance between them and Ron and Harry.  
  
"Yes Hermoine?" Draco asked.  
  
"Yesterday, when we were in the library, what were you going to tell me?" Hermoine asked.  
  
"I love you." Draco said looking straight into Hermoine's chocolate brown eyes.  
  
"I love you too, Draco!" Hermoine said. The two of them kissed.  
  
They ran hand in hand up to Gryffindor Tower. When they entered the common room, they found Fred and DragonMaiden still making out and Ron and Harry beating Colin up for the fun of it.  
  
The End.  
  
Wait! We need to find out what happened later in life!  
  
Draco and Hermoine got married after they graduated Hogwarts. They had three kids: Jacob, Dante, and Melissa. They lived happily in a pinapple under the sea. Harry and Ginny got married and had six kids only two of which were Harry's. We're still trying to find out the fathers of the other four. Ron is still single and makes weekly appearances on the dating game. Seamus and Dean got married but divorced three months later. Colin is still in the hospital from when Harry and Ron beated him up.  
  
There. Now that's the end. 


End file.
